Yes, it is all in my head. No, I cannot snap out of it.
Pick me up. Bring me down Turn me all around. It is like a roller-coaster in my head and it drives me crazy! Funny isn’t it? How we expect to get ill, even sign up for medical insurance. Illness in any and every part of our bodies but our minds. Lord forbid we fall sick in the head.
I have bipolar disorder.
My moods change a lot. Drastically. Sometimes things get to me too much, more than they should and other times I just couldn’t care at all. The one thing I need to make clear is that I am NOT Bipolar, I am Njeri. Being bipolar sounds like you’d run into me on the streets and call out, “Hi Bipolar!”… “See you later Bipolar!” No. I have a cool job. I have fun friends, I love music and wine, I have a sweet little soul child that I play ball with on Sunday afternoons… I have bipolar disorder.
Some days I have so much energy I’m like a kid on a sugar high. I’m unstoppable. I take on more things than I could ever handle, start many projects and rarely finish any, I have a dozen tabs open on my computer and I can’t sleep at night because my mind just goes into overdrive. I’m the life of every party. I’m superwoman. It is exciting, it is exhausting and it is what most people like and want me to be.
Sometimes I can barely crawl out of bed; I get depressed for days with often no reason. It all becomes bleak and hopeless. I don’t want to see anyone, eat anything or do anything. I keep my curtains drawn and my phone off. I cry myself to sleep about nothing and everything. I just don’t want to show up for my own life.
It can be tricky keeping a job, a relationship, a pet or even a houseplant. Even with my meds it is still a daily struggle. I’m scared of getting in to relationships because I don’t want to drag people into my crazy world. It is what it is. I’m not angry or bitter anymore. I’ve thrown myself enough pity parties, nursed crazy hangovers, made stupid choices and blamed them all on my ‘condition’.
It took close to 3 years and twice as many different shrinks for me to accept that mine was a ‘beautiful mind’. My daily struggle is now also a daily adventure. It is not easy to explain and I still find myself on the internet just trying to understand what exactly it means.
In the end, after hours on Google and nights at the bar, I am good. I’ve learned to enjoy my sunny days and weather the storms. And most importantly, I’ve learned to love my wacky mind.