Categorizing Kenyan Rain

In Britain, or wherever English came from, it rains cats an dogs. my english teacher had a hard time explaining the phrase to me. She must have been relieved when I finally pretended I understood. There were many other other English phrases, sayings and idioms I had issues with, like, “head over heels”…I mean the head is always over the heels, right? Well, except when we were doing headstands in th P.E lessons. “Let the cat out of the bag ” is another one. How on earth do you Even put it in the bag in the first place?? …”sit on the fence “…okay, as I grew up, the word ‘fence’ meant and still means barbed wire so…

Anyway, I could go on and on, but that’s something I’ll do on another boring day. So, since the English peeps are still having their share of torrential doggies and pussies ( pussy without any star in it pervert! ).I’ve decided it’s time to put my kenyanism into the. English language.

      Kenyan rain falls I the following categories :

“Raining bulldozers and tractors”- this is the type of rain that is commonly experienced in putalanki budalangi. The type that shows no clue of it’s coming, then you wake up one morning to find your house Syokimaud.

“Raining M.Ps and governments “- this type happens in arid and semi-arid parts of Kenya ..It looks very promising and even starts raining, then stops abruptly and disappears for five years. In which time you see it on TV raining where it is not needed, notably Nairobi. Then the cycle repeats itself.

“Raining leopards and hyenas”- mostly experienced in meru and surrounding areas. It comes at night, silently … Infact the only evidence to show it came  is the shoe ripping mud and the fact that goats are missing.

“Raining landmines and earthbenders”- yes, the avatar earth Benders. This type is experienced parts of western and in scattered places in eastern. Causes landslides, collapsed mines and …you wake up to find a huge rock you used to to visit with your girlfriend 3kms away  sitting where your sink used to be.

“Raining maize and piranhas” –
Experienced in timau, Nanyuki, and parts of central. Lorries of white gravel, which later melts ,falls from heaven. Often accompanied by BITING cold.

“Raining Christs and Messiahs” – fell 2000 years ago in chalbi desert after centuries of prophecies from local folks.they are still waiting for it’s second coming.

“Raining piritons and more sleeping pills ” – this is my second favorite,  happens anywhere, anytime …***crickets*** wait a minute, its morning already?

And now for my favorite *drumroll * -*cheers * *thunderclap *  **cow and. Chicken theme song **

“Raining Viagra and enzoy ” – Not much research done, happens at an anointed place, anointed time, makes you wanna “GRAB SOMEBODY SEXY TELL ‘EM HEY! …”  
*END OF MOVIE* 

*moans and sigh fading to a distance*

courtesy of Storyzetu

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